So I’m taking a break off The New York Diaries for a bit to let a few people catch up (AHEM, sis, anytime) and I was looking on my Facebook, and found a bunch of funny things I’ve written in the past. This is a list of actual fortunes I’d like to see based on my interesting experience with fortunes and their sweet, sweet cookies, mostly the one below. 

Why can’t it just say, “Stay single”. It’s shorter.


1. Don’t forget to pay your phone bill this month. 
2. Everyone was dead and in purgatory in LOST. 
3. He’s gonna leave that bitch, don’t worry. 
4. Swiss bank account #B4-397-KT18.

5. Skins is the best show you’ve never watched.
6. You use the word “casualty” wrong.
7. Call your mother.
8. You’re going to need that spare tire soon.
9. Sell your soul to the devil and have Michael Bay’s career.
10. That earring you lost is under the fridge.
11. Your cat hates that organic shit you keep feeding her.
12. You’re getting food poisoning from this meal, sorry.
13. Should you really be eating cookies right now?
14. Your neighbors can hear you having sex.
15. When naming your kids remember that they might want to have jobs as adults.
16. Don’t worry about a 401k. You’re not going to need it.
17. Oswald had a partner on the inside.
18. We miss Buffy too.
19. Enter “2kchina” as a code to unlock the 2K Sports China team.
20. No one likes a smart-ass.